the battle for life...Moms Who Click 10 on 10 project, Stephanie Marie Photographie, Nashville TN lifestyle photography

lean on me
when your not strong
and ill be your friend
ill help you carry on
for
it wont be long
til im goin need
somebody to lean on

please swallow your pride
if i have things you need to borrow
for no one can fill
those of your needs
that you won't let show

lean on me...bill withers

volumes are spoken in the chorus and verse of this song between the 2 of us...  if you missed the first volume of this battle, click when i pray to catch up.

i won't even try to lie, these images were not shot on the 10th of this month or even in the past 30 days.  i tried to use them for my February post, but couldn't edit more than 3, march i completely ditzed out for my post, so here we sit April and its time again for the Moms Who Click 10 on 10 project i dearly love and the battle for life is here finally to tell her story...

On Friday, February 7, 2014, I entered the room where I would spend the next 2 hours capturing my dear Ashley's last chemo treatment.  As I walked through the door at 12p,  I was short of breath, trying very, VERY hard not to cry.  Not to feel what my heart was aching to let out, not to break down in the face of an incredibly joyous event.  Well, in the words of Ana, I "let it go" the moment I sat down next to her.  My Ashley, already weak from her first bag of the treatment, looked me dead in the eyes with her brown eyes full of caring emotion & said are you ok? No, I most certainly was not.  I was not ok, and I was going to break down, so please ignore me while I selfishly let my eyes pour over because of my experience of pain, and sorrow and anxiety of cancer.  and oh you my dear friend lay there with poison running through your veins to kill the last of this horrible disease, weakened to a laying state, i tremble with the inability to maintain control.  however, after a 10 minute (so ok it wasn't the smallest breakdown) recoup we celebrated.  We celebrated how funny the drugs make you, how funny chicken tenders look to eat when you are forcing yourself to eat them, how funny it is that your sister has to help you to the bathroom, how much we F***ing hate that bag of poison.

 

We celebrated ringing the victory bell so hard it nearly came loose from the wall, we celebrated Jesus and his ability to walk us all through your battle.  We celebrated your girls and your mom and your sister and your best friend and we celebrated with tears and laughter and so much emotion I had to stop taking pictures to clear my eyes enough to see to put the camera down and embrace you and your new hope for health.  WE CELEBRATED YOU.  You, my dear Ashley, amaze me.  You are strong. You are smart. You are giving. You love. You seek love and you BELIEVE.  In you, in life, in GOD. 

 

 

I have been honored to capture Ashley's journey and her battle.  It has scared me, driven me to my knees and given me glimpses into life, I may have never experienced.  She is the epitome of woman.  Please continue to pray for our sweet Ashley as she continues her battle to recovery.  The road has many curves...

Follow the circle of lovely women celebrating life with the amazing Laura Bastien!

when i pray...capturing ashleys battle...franklin tn lifestyle photography

every night when i lay my head on my pillow i pray.  i thank God for allowing me another day to live in his presence.  then i thank him for giving me the blessing of my photography talent.  then i ask him to keep leading me so i may use his gift to me to do his work...3 months ago, i was called upon to show him i was listening and to use my talent...so here it goes...my most challenging project to date.  it has nothing to do with my business, nothing to do with $.  it ONLY has to do with God, and his call to do HIS work, to push my insecurities and fears aside and to capture what scares me the most...

ashley is my best friends best friend.  she is to christi what april is to me.  but me and ashley, we get along...and not just a little bit.  i loved her within minutes the same way my christi does and i have treasured her friendship since.  this summer she found out she has stage 2 Hodgkins Lymphoma.  she is 2 years younger than me.  she is a single mother.  she has 2 girls well old enough to understand the worst word in the dictionary...CANCER.  at christis 34th birthday party, she pulled my husband aside and told him what was going on...he never breathed a word of it to me.  we texted that week and that sunday on my way home from a senior session i was on cloud 9 about i called her.  her 1st words were i have something to tell you...i knew what she was going to say...(i know its weird, but i have a really, i mean kinda scary 6th sense) i blurted out, don't say it, please don't say it...what is it? how sick are you? for the next 10 minutes she went on and on about Hodgkins Lymphoma while I had to pull over 3 times bc the tears were pouring so fast i couldnt see.  we got off the phone and i was numb.  i cried and cried for the next 2 days.  i was beside myself with sadness for her 2 girls and for her.  cancer has plagued my life.  i watched God take my nana after she battled breast cancer and while her closest family surrounded her holding hands singing amazing grace, i witnessed Jesus come get her so she could be my most fierce fighting angel.  this year my father in law was diagnosed with liver and lung cancer.  his liver was so poisoned with the disease, he looked like a pregnant man. i watched him suffer as the chemo stripped him to 90 lbs.  now ashley, a strong, amazing woman...

3 days later she called me.  she said for 2 days in a row God had woken her at 3a and i was the reason.  he was telling her to ask me to capture her journey.  she said he told her no one but me could do it and no one could be the one except for me.  she was actually afraid to burden me with the request! can you imagine? her burden me? i immediately accepted even though it scared me to death.

the 1st session was at the wig shop.  i got in my car and drove to my moms.  i left my kids got back in my car and cried the entire 15 minute drive to the shop.  when i got there she was surrounded by 7 women laughing and carrying on trying on the craziest of wigs in the shop.  the owner was a miracle in herself.  ill never know how she has the strength to continuously show women how gorgeous they truly are when they are losing what they consider a part of being "a woman." you never realize how much your hair means to your self esteem.  its something we take for granted as natural and being stripped of it causes severe internal devastation...

my hands were shaking so much i couldnt obtain focus in my camera, i tried 6 times to set my white balance before ashley came over to me, hugged me and said, i know you will show me, me.  i know God put you here.  then she turned around, put her hand on her hip, pointed her other sassy finger at me and said..."gggguuuurrrrllll you know you like me in this wig, you think i'll land a new man looking this hot!???" instantly, i remembered this is what this was about...i was there for her and damn it, i was going to give her all i had.  the 1st image is the ashley i know and cherish.  her eyes are mesmerizing, her sexy smile reveals a voice of strength and wisdom, and her wit..oh that smart ass wit...

the next challenge sent me to the alter of my church.  no lie i skidded tires in the parking lot, the keys were left in the ignition and i ran in the sanctuary only to lay on my hands and knees on the steps to the choir stage crying, hands clasp, begging for strength, begging for her, begging for God to lead me. 

the loss of ashleys hair left me floored.  it left her oldest daughter on the floor crying picking up the shaved locks on the floor...then it left naked beauty i have never witnessed before.  seeing my nana get her angel wings was the single most beautiful event i had witnessed in my young 21 years, holding my daughter and seeing my nanas nose on her face as though my nana had herself helped create her brought so much love in my heart it baffled me, but seeing ashley with no hair made me SEE true beauty.  i LOVE her shaved head.  I didn't want her to wear her wig, she is more beautiful without it bc this way all i can see is her.  every single God given shred of beautiful.  i felt like i did when i realized what love was.  i saw what God sees.  I saw perfection. 

HIS PERFECTION...and he chose ME to capture it.  she knew it and she knew i was the only one he wanted to be there.  that is powerful.  that is faith...that is something i hope i can show my children one day.  blind faith, blind believing, blind love.

no these images are not my perfectionist perfection.  its too hard when your hands are shaking, knees are weak and eyes are full of tears, but these images are perfect, bc they are exactly what HE gave me this talent for and i can only hope HE is proud...

You can help my Ashley.  Please share this with all of your friends and help tell her story.  You can read her blog HERE and you can help HERE.  Please remember, none of us are accidents.  We all have a path.  We all have a story.  We are all here for a reason...mankind believes in hope and love conquers all.

Ashley, I love you.  Thank you for being my witness...
love to you all,
steph